All of us are familiar with this: we say something to our child to educate him or her and realize even as we’re doing it that it was totally out of line. Or missed the point entirely. That’s no problem; we are all only human. If you want to get out of the parenting hamster wheel, take a closer look at our 10 parenting mistakes.
We’ve put together 10 typical parenting mistakes that most moms and dads make – repeatedly. Our tips and alternatives will help you break through these patterns. Check out these tips, and perhaps you can incorporate one or the other suggestion for improvement into your everyday family life.
Failing to keep promises
For children, a promise has a magical meaning. Children find it inconceivable that adults sometimes say something just out of politeness or affection for one another yet do not immediately think of a concrete implementation. Therefore, we should be careful not to promise something they cannot or do not want to keep. That shakes the child’s trust.
Until elementary school age, it’s even essential to add “if the sun is shining” to a statement like “we’ll go to the swimming pool tomorrow”. If a promise cannot be kept, don’t try to justify yourself, but rather offer an attractive alternative.
Lack of credible body language
Parents often overestimate the effect of words and underestimate the effect of body language. Communication psychologists assume that 55 percent of communication occurs via body language, mimics and gestures. In comparison, 38 percent takes place via the voice or the way of speaking and only 7 percent via the meaning of the words. What children need: exact address with clear messages.
For example, should you want to forbid your child to behave in a certain way, say “No” very clearly and with a serious expression and, where necessary, raise your index finger so that your child quickly realizes that this is not a joke: This is no fun, and there is no negotiation.
Perfectionism
Make time for yourself! The batteries of parents also need to be recharged from time to time. Just relax in between without your gaggle of children! Don’t sacrifice yourself! Don’t feel like buying crab apples and plastic bread in the grocery store for the tenth time? It’s okay! Kids need to learn to do things on their own.
Get your anger out! If you’re angry, let your children feel it. They’ll take it well, too, so as long as you don’t become a “rageaholic” right away. Save yourself the perfectionism! You have already accomplished an incredible amount!
Misconceptions
We sometimes have an image in our heads that doesn’t end up matching reality, such as that with two toddlers, you could “quickly” get something at the furniture store. Or that inviting a lively one-year-old to brunch on Sunday would be fun after all. Children don’t usually “function” in such situations the way we would like them to. We do not place age-appropriate demands on them.
The sensible thing to do is either to stop the activity or, if that is not possible, to complete it in a way that is as child-friendly as possible. You should then blame neither yourself nor the child, simply learn from it and do it differently next time.
Talk too much
There’s a nice expression called “mother deafness”. It refers to the phenomenon that children go into overdrive when too much is said. Sometimes, out of habit or lack of concentration, it happens to us that we let a barrage of admonishments, proposals, and hints rain down on our child – and ask indignantly afterwards, “Are you listening to me at all?”
Probably the honest answer would be: NO, and rightfully so. Particularly when communicating with children, the following applies: Less is more! For instance, you are much more likely to be heard if you genuinely point out dangers only when necessary than if you habitually shout “Watch out!” for every little thing.
Make exceptions
You might buy yourself a brief moment of peace with exceptions, but you’ll soon be making your life miserable. Hence: either a rule applies, or you cancel it altogether. Incidentally, compliance is easier if there are just a few rules, e.g. “No means no” or “Don’t eat anything after brushing your teeth”. And what if the children whine? Then, by all means, don’t give in! Because then they will learn that this behavior will get them somewhere.
You can even do better: Ignore the unwanted behavior in a friendly way or comment with a short sentence: “I don’t want you to whine.” This requires perseverance, although sooner or later, every child will understand that friendly words and a polite tone of voice will get them further.
No clear messages
Some experts call this “drama of good words”. Unaware of this, our behavior toward our children is often unclear: for example, we package our order, “Please help me with the dishes!” into a question, “Could you please help me with the dishes?”
Children, though, do not know rhetorical questions. For them, it is: When I am asked, then I can say yes or no. The conflict is pre-programmed. Instead of asking a polite question, just formulate precisely what you want from the child.
Giving inappropriate punishments
“If you don’t stop now, you won’t be allowed to go to the birthday party tomorrow.” You might let a sentence like that slip out when you’re outraged, although you would never cancel your child’s best friend’s party. Be smart then and row back immediately: “Now I’ve said nonsense. But I want you to stop frolicking in the living room like that. And if that doesn’t work, television is canceled for today.”
Punishment and consequences must be appropriate and feasible. If not, they will miss their target and not be taken seriously by the kids.
Stabbing your partner in the back
Every person is different, and everybody raises differently. But kids shouldn’t have the opportunity to play their parents off against each other. Therefore, the following rule applies: even if it costs inner gnashing of teeth, don’t stab your partner in the back in front of the children, but prefer to discuss differences of opinion in private.
Of course, this sometimes doesn’t work, for instance, in the case of a separation. In such cases, you should communicate this clearly to the children: “With dad, his rules apply, and with me, mine. That’s just the way it is.”
Incorrect timing
Many things go wrong in everyday life with children because parents simply catch the wrong moment. Summoning a five-year-old to help in the kitchen when he’s about to complete his Lego palace? That’s not a good idea! Tidying up the room after a long day at the playground? That certainly doesn’t work out so well.
A mix of set appointments, such as “Saturday mornings clean up for half an hour,” and age-appropriate flexibility works best. For a five-year-old, the assignment is, “Please clean up the table when you finish drawing the picture.” For a ten-year-old, “Please take the inflatable to the attic by tonight.” This trains children’s ability to organize themselves, and it takes the stress out of everyday family life to boot.
